I just got back from the Muslim Women Convention by ISMA (http://ismaweb.net/). It was very informative and a reminder to me about how I practice my Deen – Islam.
The thing that I remember the most from KONWANIS was the Ustazah (female religion teacher) told us about how our Emaan is decreasing over the year. During school year, we all so enthusiastic about salaah, siyam, and all other sunnah practices. Many of us, including me, woke up for tahajjud, even tho the next day we had to wake up early in the morning. We fasted even tho we have school and exams during that day. We stayed up to pray during the last 10 days of Ramadan, in search of Laylatul Qadr, even tho we had many assignments to turn in the next day. Subhanallah, i miss that phase. Even with all these tight schedule – prayers, fasting, volunteering work, I still managed to excell in my studies. Alhamdulillah.
But, what happened now? Talk about tahajjud? I even found it hard to wake up and pray Fajr on time. I always woke up when the time for Fajr nearly finish. I forced myself to wake up. Astagfirullah.. I planned to read qur’an and mathurat after fajr and maghrib, but i always went back to sleep after prayer. I planned to read the qur’an and mathurat after maghrib, but I stuck at work. When I got home, I was too tired to do anything.
I really miss my college year because I was very discipline in performing ibadah. Because of all these ibadah, I didn’t feel too stress out with the dunya. The Ustazah mentioned that the reason why we got the stress is due to our connection with Allah swt. We are far away from Him. We don’t remember Him. We say we remember, but in our heart and in our action, we didn’t show that we remember Him.
Yes, I admit, I just do the basic ibadah – but even the basic ibadah, I just do it like a task, not with my heart and soul. Bak kata pepatah Melayu – Seperti lepaskan batuk di tangga. When I prayed, there were only movements, but not connection with the heart and soul. After I prayed, I didn’t feel satisfied like I used to. Before, I cried to Allah swt, telling Him all my problems, I asked from Him for guidance, I cried again for all the sins that I committed. But now, it seems like my heart is getting darker and darker. Black spots are accumulating in my heart. Ya Allah, please don’t let my heart becomes dark. Please fill my heart with Your Nur, Ya Allah.
I miss that phase in my life. I pray that it’s not just a phase, but it will be my life. Insha Allah, I will try step by step to reach it back. Pray sunnah, fasting, volunteering, sadakah, do’a, read quran, and last but not least, Zikir – remembrance of Allah the Almighty.
Please pray for me..
Alhamdulillah.