There was a phase in my life..

I just got back from the Muslim Women Convention by ISMA (http://ismaweb.net/). It was very informative and a reminder to me about how I practice my Deen – Islam.

The thing that I remember the most from KONWANIS was the Ustazah (female religion teacher) told us about how our Emaan is decreasing over the year. During school year, we all so enthusiastic about salaah, siyam, and all other sunnah practices. Many of us, including me, woke up for tahajjud, even tho the next day we had to wake up early in the morning. We fasted even tho we have school and exams during that day. We stayed up to pray during the last 10 days of Ramadan,  in search of Laylatul Qadr, even tho we had many assignments to turn in the next day. Subhanallah, i miss that phase. Even with all these tight schedule – prayers, fasting, volunteering work, I still managed to excell in my studies. Alhamdulillah.

But, what happened now? Talk about tahajjud? I even found it hard to wake up and pray Fajr on time. I always woke up when the time for Fajr nearly finish. I forced myself to wake up. Astagfirullah.. I planned to read qur’an and mathurat after fajr and maghrib, but i always went back to sleep after prayer. I planned to read the qur’an and mathurat after maghrib, but I stuck at work. When I got home, I was too tired to do anything.

I really miss my college year because I was very discipline in performing ibadah.  Because of all these ibadah, I didn’t feel too stress out with the dunya. The Ustazah mentioned that the reason why we got the stress is due to our connection with Allah swt. We are far away from Him. We don’t remember Him. We say we remember, but in our heart and in our action, we didn’t show that we remember Him.

Yes, I admit, I just do the basic ibadah – but even the basic ibadah, I just do it like a task, not with my heart and soul. Bak kata pepatah Melayu – Seperti lepaskan batuk di tangga. When I prayed, there were only movements, but not connection with the heart and soul. After I prayed, I didn’t feel satisfied like I used to. Before, I cried to Allah swt, telling Him all my problems, I asked from Him for guidance, I cried again for all the sins that I committed. But now, it seems like my heart is getting darker and darker. Black spots are accumulating in my heart. Ya Allah, please don’t let my heart becomes dark. Please fill my heart with Your Nur, Ya Allah.

I miss that phase in my life. I pray that it’s not just a phase, but it will be my life. Insha Allah, I will try step by step to reach it back. Pray sunnah, fasting, volunteering, sadakah, do’a, read quran, and last but not least, Zikir – remembrance of Allah the Almighty.

Please pray for me..

My Mind was Blocked

I wanted to write so badly recently because I have lotsa things to share with the entire world. But, when I started the first sentence, I just couldn’t finished it. I also was busy with work, stressed (*ehem*), and missing home. I wanted to get out from the city so I can think better. I wanted to see the green trees and blue sky, listen to the calm musics of a peaceful mother nature, and eat mom’s home cooked food. Yes, Alhamdulillah, now, I’m on my way back home. I’m pretty excited, so, I took out my celcom broadband, and started typing. Btw, I was supposed to be at home now, but there was bad traffic jam on my way home. As usually, there was a small tiny accident and everyone just stopped and being ‘concerned’ about the accident. Thus, we were stuck in traffic almost for 2 hours! Malaysians, you have to stop doing that!!!! (including me)

But, the traffics jam was a good thing that happened to me today, i think. You know why, I have time to stop and ponder about my life. I saw a truck (or lorry.. as the British called it), with a sign of a pretty big import-export company in Singapore-Malaysia-Thailand. I was thinking, hmm.. maybe I will be working there, who knows. Then I started thinking about how things were not as I expected or predicted. Yes, I did imagine myself as a professional young lady working in a big company. But, I didn’t expect that I will work with MAS. I also didn’t expected that I would study in one of the top boarding schools in Malaysia – MRSM Taiping. One good thing that happened to me in my life is University of Virginia, USA. I didn’t even expected that I would go to the States, speaking in English, and studying Engineering in the University of Virginia! Life is full of mystery and unexpected events. Alhamdulillah.

Coming from a middle class Malay family, I didn’t dream big, at first. None of my parents went to college. Only one of my relatives went to college, and she is a high school teacher. I looked up at her, and she was my idol when I was small. When did I started to dream big, u might ask. It started with my elementary school teacher, Puan Hasnah. I was in standard six and preparing for the national exam, UPSR. I chose me and other 9 to 10 kids to join her special class, just for gifted children. I never thought that I had such brain. But, when someone, your teacher, handpicked you, you felt honored. She kept telling us, if one of us got scholarship to study abroad, she will be so happy, and she wanted to send us to the airport is she’s still alive. There.. that moment, I started to dream big.. I didn’t just want to go to college, but I wanted to go to the best college in the WORLD.. and University of Virginia is one of the top universities in the world. Alhamdulillah. So, during recess times, when all my schoolmates were eating and playing, I would sit under a tree and revising what I learned in class. I would buy a 30 cents or sometimes 50 cents milk so I didn’t get hungry. Sometimes, I spent my recess time in a library reading kindergartener level english books. I wanted to improve my english because in UPSR, I had to write a short english essay. At night, I did practiced tests, and after I was done, I went next door, and asked the english teacher to check it for me. She was the wife of a police officer who lived next to us. All I remembered about her was she is a very nice and beautiful chinese lady and always smiling. Wish that she know that I’m now able to speak and write in English.

Alhamdulillah, when the result came out, I got straight A’s in the exam. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. I started to realize, hard work really pays. Bak kata pepatah Melayu, bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian. I want to share this story with all the kids out there.. [pause]

Work hard.. Study hard.. and tawakal ala Allah. Only YOU can change your life. Remember what Allah said in the Qur’an -  “Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls)” [Qur'an 13:11]

Malaysians, switch off your lights!

Slumdog Millionaire and Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Slumdog Millionaire
How did Jamal win India’s “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”:
A. He cheated
B. He’s lucky
C. He’s a genius
D. It’s written

The answer is: D. It’s written

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
“Sometimes we’re on a collision course, and we just don’t know it. Whether it’s by accident or by design, there’s not a thing we can do about it.[....] And if only one thing had happened differently: if that shoelace hadn’t broken; or that delivery truck had moved moments earlier; or that package had been wrapped and ready, because the girl hadn’t broken up with her boyfriend; or that man had set his alarm and got up five minutes earlier; or that taxi driver hadn’t stopped for a cup of coffee; or that woman had remembered her coat, and got into an earlier cab, Daisy and her friend would’ve crossed the street, and the taxi would’ve driven by. But life being what it is – a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone’s control – that taxi did not go by, and that driver was momentarily distracted, and that taxi hit Daisy, and her leg was crushed.”

Reminder for myself:
1. Everything happened for a reason
* You meet bad people, so when you meet wonderful people, you will appreciate them
* You went through hardship, so you can taste the sweetness of ease
* You experience love, so when you are lonely, you have this memory as your company
2. Everything is already written for you in this world, so why worried too much
* Why worried so much about getting old?
* Why worried so much about not getting enough?
* Why worried so much about marriage?
* Why worried so much about having kids?
* Why worried so much about recession?
* Everything is already written. Work hard, and put your trust in God. Tawakkal ala Allah.

Last but not least, Alhamdulillah. All Praise due to God the Almighty.

Melacca Trip – The unplanned yet awesome vacation

Today is the Maulid ul-Rasool, and we, Malaysian Muslims, are celebrating the birthday of our beloved Prophet – Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. So, today is a day off from work (but, I still have to do some reports.. *sigh*). Well, Alhamdulillah, I have a job, and even though it’s quite stressful sometimes, I met many wonderful people at work and also through my co-workers. Alhamdulillah. All praises and thanks to the God Almighty.

Ok, now, I want to share with y’all about my trip to Melacca. I went to A’Famosa resort with Farah and Nazreen to attend an annual dinner. The theme for the dinner was Retro Rainbow night. It was awesome, i tell ya! Thumbs up to the organizers, and I know, they had been working so hard to make everything perfect.

Ok peeps.. I drove all the way to Melacca. Yay! Now, I think I have the confidence to drive in Malaysia. Yes, I drove in the States and also in Jordan, but Malaysian drivers are vicious, i tell ya, VICIOUS! But, now, I think I can handle Malaysian drivers. Driving to Melacca was fun. Farah kept taking pictures of herself, and Nazreen was quietly sneaking to be in the pictures. And can you believe it, we were talking about W.O.R.K while we were on the road (and even when we got to Melacca). Too workaholic!

After about 2 hours driving, we arrived at our condo – it’s preeettttyyyyyy. So, we took pictures, then took out our dresses for the dinner, and then took pictures again! We went out in search of FOOD. Alhamdulillah, we found a restaurant beside the road. The food was good. One thing that amazed us was, when we arrived to that restaurant, there was hardly anyone eating there. Then, we started eating, there were about two or three cars stopped there and eat at that restaurant. So, we brought the rizq to the restaurant, we guessed. Alhamdulillah, we had good lunch, drove back to our condo, and took a nap.

At 6pm, all of us were rushing to get ready for the dinner. It was funny to see all of us struggling with make-ups, cuz we had to look Retro. Finally after putting layers and layers of make-ups, we were ready for the dinner! (Well, I exegerrated. We didn’t wear too much of make-up, just enough to make us look fresh, not tired)

The dinner was filled with musics, laughters, interesting choices of fashion, and a little bit of business talk (by our bosses). That night, people were all out. They should, because they’ve been working so hard. I met many wonderful and exciting people there. All I can say, my company has many good, sincere, and wonderful employees!

OK, the next day was the unplanned yet awesome vacation! We didn’t planned to go to the Banda Melacca the next day. But, we said, why not we just go there and find some nyonya food. So, we drove there, and tried to find Jonker Street. We got lost for a while, but then we found it! Jonker street is awesome! There are lotsa stuffs to shop, arts to enjoy, and food to indulge! But, for Muslims, it’s a bit hard to find a halal restaurants there, because many of the restaurants are chinese restaurants. After half an hour searching for halal nyonya food, we found a restaurant that is halal. We had Nyonya Laksa! Yummi-licious. Then, we went to another restaurant to have Durian Cendol and Mango Cendol. The cendol was made of home-made gula melaka, and fresh coconut milk. It was a very hot day and we had cendol. So, it’s heavenly!

After food, we went to see the goodies around Jonker St. We went to art galleries. Malaysia has many talented artists, for sure. One of the artists that I like is Tham Siew Inn. I bought some postcards of his paintings. I am not rich enough to buy the original, but insha Allah, one day.

I also bought a pair of Trompah (red-wooden slippers). I’d been searching for a nice artsy trompah at the Jonker St. and finally I found a store that sells only trompah. The owner made the trompah and his wife designed them. The prices are quite good with the quality the trompah. So, if any of you are planning to go to Melacca, here is a place you can buy trompah as souvenir:

Gee’s Original
C, Lorong Hang Kasturi,
75200 Melacca, Malaysia.

After taking lotsa pictures and walking around Jonker Street, we decided that it’s time to go back to KL. Alhamdulillah, we were all happy and satisfied with our weekends. We had so much fun! Now, I am waiting for Farah and Nazreen to upload all the pictures in Facebook!

Rumi: Keep Your Heart Awake

There are many whose eyes are awake
and whose hearts are asleep;
Yet, what can be seen
By mere creatures of water and clay?
But he who keeps his heart awake
Will know and live this mystery;
While the eyes of his head may sleep
His heart will open hundreds of eyes.
If your heart isn’t yet illumined
Be awake always, be a seeker of the heart,
Be at war continually with your carnal soul.
But if your heart is already awakened,
Sleep peacefully, sleep in the arms of Love,
For your spiritual eye is not absent
From the seven heavens and seven directions

Dear my Egytian mom

I decided to tell the whole world how I feel toward you..

Dear Tant Aliaa –

I love your email, especially when you mentioned “ My radiant daughter Nourshams (Arabic=sun light) has fallen asleep so many nights hugging her laptop, and I can only imagine what my kids will be doing at your age.” My eyes started to fill with tears, and my heart started to ache because I miss you so much and we are so far apart from each other. When you told me about my little siblings – Ali and Rana, I can see them in front of me – Rana studying Arabic joyfully while Ali keep resisting, Ali keep eating his grandma’s cooking and enjoying the food so much! I miss them so much. I miss our time cooking together in our lovely kitchen. That kitchen has so much barakah! Masha Allah. I wish I spent more time with all of you when I was in the US. Oh.. I wish.

Tant Aliaa,

In your email, now I understand how names really influence people’s characteristics. Like your name, Aliaa (mean: High up), I always look up to you. I always want to be like you. I want to smile like you, laugh like you, enjoy the nature like you, be a host like you, be a mother like you. You know, I always love coming to your house because you make me feel like home. I even have my own bedroom! I love your cooking too! You kept telling me your cooking is not good enough, but trust me, you made the food with love, so they’re always delicious!

Speaking about your love of nature – you told me many times to listen carefully when we were sitting on the lawn. You told me to listen carefully how the trees and wind are singing together. Alhamdulillah, when I was in Damascus, Syria, I sat on the top of a mountain and I listened carefully. I found peace. I heard the wind. I did not hear anymore the noise from cars honking and people shouting in the middle of the city. Then there were sounds of Adhan everywhere. Mosques’ minarates started to turn green. It’s maghrib time. Masha Allah, it’s magical. The Adhans seemed to blend in with the music of nature. The wind and adhan were like in an orchestra! Masha Allah. I wish you were there with me. I tried to tell other people to listen carefully, but I guess I am not as good as you, Tant Aliaa, in convincing people.

My mother,

Of course you are worried about Ali and Rana. My mom worried about me all the time. Alhamdulillah, Ali, Rana, and me always have our mothers’ dua surrounding us 24/7!

Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said : “A mother’s dua for her children is very swiftly accepted”

I was stubborn when I was a child, but my mom never gave up in ‘forcing’ me to go to Islamic classes. Alhamdulillah, because of all her effort, I am holding firm to Islam. May Allah swt rewards both of you, mothers, the highest Jannah! Ameen! I love both of you so much.

Last but not least, you will be always in my heart forever.

Love,

Nourshams

Looking back

Today, I went through some old pictures from my high school, and then I went through some current pictures of me and my friends. Subhanallah, we have grown up so much. And more mature of course. We all went separate ways. Some of us are still in colleges, some of us already working, some of us are married, some are engineers, doctors, lawyers, etc..

When I was looking through the pictures, I was thinking.. Did I changed? From good to bad? Or the opposite? I am not sure how much I’ve changed. But, I changed. To be better or worse, wallahu’alam, that’s for other people to judge. As we all know, no one is perfect. But hopefully, to Allah swt, I’ve changed to be a better person. Insha Allah.

One day, I will look back at this post, and I will ask myself again, how much  I’ve changed since this post.

Thinking of Joining an NGO

Ok.. i’m so sleepy right now after eating delicious char-kuey-teow! But, i have to express myself regarding Malaysian politics nowadays. I admit I did not vote in March ‘08 because I was in the US. But, I followed up with the election. I was happy to see that Malaysians are more mature and independant to choose their leaders. But, I am sad to see how BN goes down after the election. They receive less support from people. I was born when Tun Dr. Mahathir was our Prime Minister. During that time, I knew only one party – Barisan Nasional. During that time, I was convinced that only BN can unite our multiracial country. I was proud of our former Prime Minister, Tun Dr. Mahathir. I was proud to say “Saya Anak Malaysia” (and I still am). And I used to believe that we can achieve Wawasan 2020.

But, now, I am sad to see BN’s situation. Less and less people supported the party. More people are turning to Pakatan Rakyat. Tun Dr. Mahathir is no longer UMNO member. I didn’t say that I don’t support Pakatan Rakyat, but the party is still new. It’s hard for me to put my trust to a new party to lead my beloved country. I can’t see how PAS and DAP – two parties that have contradicting political views, can work with each other to build this nation. Maybe PKR can put a balance between both parties. They are still new. I still give them credits for good performance in the last election. They are still new, so why not give them a chance, right?

But, I am still sad with UMNO. Although, I am not a member of UMNO, but I grew up with UMNO. What I meant here is since I was born, BN (UMNO is a subcomponent of BN) rules the country. So far, they did pretty good job, until recently. Ahhh.. I don’t like bashing anyone. So let me stop here. All our prime ministers have pros and cons. Let’s concentrate on the pros. Abdullah Ahmad Badawi did many good things too.

So, because of my frustration on BN, and I can’t put my 100% trust to Pakatan Rakyat just yet, I decided to join an NGO. Fight for people, without asking for more votes! But, which NGOs? I was thinking of Sisters In Islam, but they created too much controversy in Malaysia. But, I like their missions and objectives. They really want to help Muslim women in Malaysia (i love that!). They are educated women, outspoken, and not typical Malay Muslim women! They also launch a campaign against book banning. I love that. Only one thing that I don’t like about SIS, sometimes they speak without proper knowledge on certain issues. I respect our ulama’ and I believe they did their studies before establish a fatwa.  Maybe I’m wrong, and SIS did do their studies when they gave their comments against certain fatwa. Wallahu’alam.

I want to join AMAN, but don’t know how I can fit in. What I meant here is AMAN seems like more geared toward doctors and nurses. I don’t know how to give shots, I can’t see people suffering without my eyes filled with tears, I can’t see blood without me feel like fainting, I can’t see the horrifying war images without me having nightmares. So, can I work for AMAN? Clearly not!

So, right now, I am still searching for an NGO that I can fit in, so I can be more productive and help more people. Now I am thinking that, if someone really want to help people, they will join NGOs, not political party. Wallahu’alam. Everyone has their own reasons. Only God knows what is best!

Ok now, bedtime for me. I have a dream – one day, I will be in the front line of people who help my country and my people to be a great nation. I will stand side-by-side with Tun Dr. Mahathir, Ungku Aziz, and many others.

Ohhh.. my dreams.. zzzzzz… (bedtime!)

In English or Malay?

Telah lama rasanya jari jemari ini tidak menzahirkan kata hati sang penulis muda. Sejak kebelakangan ini, I was busy pondering and reflecting on most of the decisions that I made before. Hendak ku luahkan di dalam blog, but, I am not sure in which language I should write – English or Malay? I am not speaking English on a daily basis, yet I still use it at work. I speak Malay most of the time, but I still dream in English. So, i was confused. Then I decided, I should just write. In whatever languages I use dalam pemikiran ku, I will write it in the same exact language. Just write. Language should not be a barrier for me to write and express myself. Betul kan?

So, friends.. you will see a mix of languages in my blog. Please forgive me. So, start learning Bahasa!

How’s my life now? Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah, it’s always getting better. But ofcourse, it has ups and downs. Lumrah kehidupan seorang manusia. Hidup di dunia ini tak seindah di syurga, tapi tak sedahsyat neraka jahannam. Moga2 kita di golongkan di kalangan ahli2 syurga, bukan ahli2 neraka. Ameen.

Insha Allah, bila ada kelapangan, jari jemari ini akan kembali menzahirkan isi hati penulis muda ini. Sekarang tiba masanya untuk ku menghadap yang Esa.

It’s so nice to hear the Adhan. So beautiful, masha Allah. Adhan was one of the things that I missed when I was in the US.